Memorials Posted Before Interment or Inurnment: a Virtual Cemetery

See all by Sherry D Chilton

A Virtual Cemetery created by Sherry D Chilton

Memorials Posted Before Interment or Inurnment

Increasingly, there are folks with good intentions who are receiving funeral home notices across multiple states and geographies with the purpose of posting findagrave memorials for total strangers in far away lands, with which they -- the distant mass poster - are wholly unfamiliar.The consequences of these well-intentioned efforts can often be far more hurtful and destructive than helpful. On more than one occasion in the area in which I photograph, link and survey, family members or personal friends have become aware of a death not from a telephone call from a family member or friend, nor even reading it in the local paper, but rather, they have learned of the death through Findagrave or Facebook. In the event of a young person, or a tragic accident, this can be staggering. On other occasions, folks have seen a memorial on Findagrave and assumed that because it was there, the person WAS dead, when in fact, they were not. And so a chain of events is triggered. I speak here not simply of pre-need stones and postings which reflect a stone within a cemetery. I speak of memorials created as "place savers" for "when the person does die, then I'll already have them listed." Secondly, most all areas have FindaGrave volunteers who already are on the ground surveying, photographing and helping others locally with requests. They know the area, they know the REAL names of the cemeteries, the DIFFERENCE between the two in one county that are of the same name. And they have a pretty good idea who just died, who their loved ones are and where they are likely to be buried.. Not like the folks five states away have any more knowledge whatsoever, with their copyrighted photos and obituaries they are posting in response to an email push from a funeral home. Not like waiting a few days would really screw things up, or that noone would post word once the funeral was over. , Generally speaking, the folks who live in these rural areas don't create nearly as many messes that need cleaned up as those well intentioned folks who have no CLUE who the deceased are, nor that when the funeral home wrote will be buried in "the cemetery in Black Rock", which everyone IN BLACK ROCK knows is named Oak Forest, no local would have created a brand new cemetery named Black Rock Cemetery! Instead, because policy is not followed, those loved ones are relegated to requesting changes, links and the likes, and it places yet another burden on the local community.This virtual cemetery is my way of tracking and monitoring memorials in my little Lawrence, Independence, Sharp and Jackson County, AR which are posted years before the person is dead, the days of the obituary news, and prior to the services that honor and memorialize the folks' lives (excluding pre-needs). It may be that the problem is not nearly as large as it seems. But as someone with a good 1000 relatives in an area who has spent and continues to spend a tremendous amount of time preserving cemeteries and the histories of the families in this region, it has become very, very disturbing, to get a phone call the afternoon of a death, and find that any one of 4 or 5 people from Michigan or Texas or elsewhere have already posted a memorial or death notice on Findagrave. If those of us who are related, out of respect for the community and loved ones, WAIT to post the memorial until after we order our flowers, notify other friends, prepare food for the family, attend the visitation and funeral, then we will invariably be asked in a few days to delete the memorial that is in the CORRECT cemetery, with the completed family links, photos and biographical information, in lieu of the "first" one, posted by a total stranger 3 days before the body was in the ground. And finally, even more alarming, are those who chase funeral home obituaries, and who are not only posting the obituary of the deceased before their remains are interred, BUT ARE POSTING FINDAGRAVE MEMORIALS FOR ALL THE SURVIVORS LISTED IN THE OBITUARY! With, of course, the assumption that they will all be buried in the same cemetery with their loved one. Please, please people, remember that this is a virtual Cemetery, and that no amount of "memorials posted" "memorials managed" is worth creating so much discomfort, pain, embarassment, grief, stress, etc, for -- of all people -- wives, mothers, fathers and children of those who have just lost a loved one. Who on EARTH wants to see their name on FindaGrave when they are alive and well? Please be thoughtful. Thanks.The list begins.

Increasingly, there are folks with good intentions who are receiving funeral home notices across multiple states and geographies with the purpose of posting findagrave memorials for total strangers in far away lands, with which they -- the distant mass poster  - are wholly unfamiliar.The consequences of these well-intentioned efforts can often be far more hurtful and destructive than helpful. On more than one occasion in the area in which I photograph, link  and survey,  family members or personal friends have become aware of a death not from a telephone call from a family member or friend, nor even reading it in the local paper, but rather, they have learned of the death through Findagrave or Facebook.  In the event of a young person, or a tragic accident, this can be staggering. On other occasions, folks have seen a memorial on Findagrave and assumed that because it was there, the person WAS dead, when in fact, they were not.   And so a chain of events is triggered.  I speak here not simply of pre-need stones and postings which reflect a stone within a cemetery.  I speak of memorials created as "place savers" for "when the person does die, then I'll already have them listed."  Secondly, most all areas have FindaGrave volunteers who already are on the ground surveying, photographing and helping others locally with requests.  They know the area, they know the REAL names of the cemeteries, the DIFFERENCE between the two in one county that are of the same name.  And they have a pretty good idea who just died, who their loved ones are and where they are likely to be buried.. Not like the folks five states away have any more knowledge whatsoever, with their copyrighted photos and obituaries they are posting in response to an email push from a funeral home.  Not like waiting a few days would really screw things up, or that noone would post word once the funeral was over. , Generally speaking, the folks who live in these rural areas  don't create nearly as many messes that need cleaned up as those well intentioned folks who have no CLUE who the deceased are, nor that when the  funeral home wrote will be buried in  "the cemetery in Black Rock", which everyone IN BLACK ROCK  knows is named Oak Forest, no local would have created a brand new cemetery named Black Rock Cemetery!  Instead, because policy is not followed, those loved ones are relegated to requesting changes, links and the likes, and it places yet another burden on the local community.This virtual cemetery is my way of tracking and monitoring memorials in my little Lawrence, Independence, Sharp and Jackson County, AR which are posted years before the person is dead,  the days of the obituary news, and  prior to the services that honor and memorialize the folks' lives (excluding pre-needs).  It may be that the problem is not nearly as large as it seems.  But as someone with a good 1000 relatives in an area who has spent and continues to spend a tremendous amount of time preserving cemeteries and the histories of the families in this region, it has become very, very disturbing, to get a phone call the afternoon of a death, and find that any one of 4 or 5 people from Michigan or Texas or elsewhere have already posted a memorial  or death notice on Findagrave.  If those of us who are related, out of respect for the community and loved ones, WAIT to post the memorial until after we order our flowers, notify other friends, prepare food for the family, attend the visitation and funeral, then we will invariably be asked in a few days to delete the memorial that is in the CORRECT cemetery, with the completed family links, photos and biographical information, in lieu of the "first" one, posted by a total stranger 3 days before the body was in the ground. And finally, even more alarming, are those who chase funeral home obituaries, and who are not only posting the obituary of the deceased before their remains are interred, BUT ARE POSTING FINDAGRAVE MEMORIALS FOR ALL THE SURVIVORS LISTED IN THE OBITUARY!  With, of course, the assumption that they will all be buried in the same cemetery with their loved one.  Please, please people, remember that this is a virtual Cemetery, and that no amount of "memorials posted" "memorials managed" is worth creating so much discomfort, pain, embarassment, grief, stress, etc, for -- of all people -- wives, mothers, fathers and children of those who have just lost a loved one.  Who on EARTH wants to see their name on FindaGrave when they are alive and well? Please be thoughtful.  Thanks.The list begins.